One of the key components school staff learn in Nonviolent Crisis Intervention is how to verbally de-escalate a student who is feeling overwhelmed and struggling to manage their emotions. As a Nonviolent Crisis Intervention trainer, I believe these same simple and effective strategies can be used at home by parents and caregivers when their child is having trouble staying calm and unable to regulate themselves.

As parents, we all do the best we can, with what we have and know at the time. However, I believe that when we know better, we do better. Our response to our child’s misbehavior can have lasting impacts either good or bad. Here are a few suggestions that I teach staff, and have used with my own children.

Our ability to regulate ourselves and remain calm is crucial. If we lose control, we will likely make the situation worse and say or do things we regret. Model healthy and appropriate emotional expression.

Do not engage in a power struggle. Stick to the main issue and downplay the challenge. For example, the accusation that “you never let me do anything fun” can turn into a long argument or debate about all that you do for your child, or you can downplay the challenge and focus on the fact that you are not allowing them to stay out past their curfew.

Praise in public, reprimand in private. Having an audience (friends or siblings) makes it harder for your child to back down. Correcting behaviour in private shows respect to your child and allows them to “save face”. Be mindful of what you discuss about your child when you think they are not listening. Let your child overhear you brag about them.

Set limits with simple, clear and direct language. When a child is upset, they are unable to process information effectively. The less words the better. Be sure any choices you give are attainable and realistic. Setting clear, consistent rules and consequences helps children learn self control and personal responsibility.

Use reflective questioning and validate what your child is feeling. “I can see that you are angry that you are not able to stay out as late as your friend.” Name the emotion, talk about what you are observing and help your child identify how their body feels when they feel big emotions. So much of what teachers see in students is an inability to self-regulate. To teach your child how to soothe and regulate themselves is a gift to them and those around them.

Understanding and utilizing paraverbal communication is incredibly important. Children are often more attuned to how something is said rather than the actual words. Calm, gentle tones can soothe anxiety, a firm but not angry tone can convey clear boundaries, sarcasm can damage self esteem.

Parenting is a continuous learning process and making mistakes is inevitable. The power of apologies and asking for a “re-do” demonstrates humility, honesty and healthy conflict resolution.

Create a “toolbox” with your child of strategies and activities for when big feelings come:

• Talk it out: family members, teachers, pets, etc.
• Engage in physical activity: squeeze a stress ball, run, jump, teari up scrap paper, go outdoors, stretch, yoga.
• Create: paint, draw, colour, journal, listen to music.
• Try grounding exercises: deep, rhythmic breathing, naming what they see, feel, hear. Visualize peaceful scenes or listen to soothing music.
• Use sensory tools: weighted blanket, stuffed animals, fidget toys, soft cozy pillow.

When schools and homes create environments that model appropriate expression of feelings and teach how to manage emotions and behaviors, children are equipped with essential skills. These skills will pave the way for success at school, at home, and in communities.

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This article was written by Tammy Charko, BA, BSW, RSW. Tammy is the Division Social Worker for Northern Gateway Public Schools and supports and advocates for students and families to promote wellness and success in school. Tammy has been a Registered Social Worker for more than 25 years and is a mother to 4 children; 1 in high school and 3 in university.